I’ve been to Hawaii twice. I think it’s a magical place. The biggest reason I think it’s magical is because of the whales. I know, there are whales all over the world. Hawaii was the first place I got a taste of their majestic beauty and the abundance of them.
I had gone with my husband to a medical conference to Hawaii. I had never been. Like most places we had traveled to; he had been before. I don’t do great with heat and humidity, but Hawaii was perfect for me. The constant breeze off the palm trees there even with the high temperatures, the salty beach air and the sun. I am sure the resort we stayed at didn’t hurt at all.
He taught me to snorkel there. I am not a good swimmer. As a matter of a fact, I can barely doggy paddle. We found I loved to see what was under the ocean. We would go out for hours, my hand clutched to his looking around. We went just off the beaches of the hotel but I was enchanted with the under water life. The sea of fish coming alive toward us. The giant turtles coming toward, swimming effortlessly with their big bodies hidden beneath those shells. The Sea anemones and corals vibrant colors etching the background behind the fish and creatures we saw below the surface. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. Going to an aquarium is nothing like the real thing. We had bought an underwater camera, but pictures can do it no justice, the vibrant colors and creatures We saw below. Like the feelings I feel for my husband. How words can’t begin to explain how I feel about him.
He would go out off to the conference every morning and I would go and sit on the beach and look for whales. Almost like an addiction. (I imagine, since I’ve never had a real addiction other than one of love and heartache) The trip started off as one about reading; as most of my trips do. I am a voracious reader. It’s actually a habit my husband gets (got?) annoyed with me about because I read so quickly. I frequently would want to finish a chapter, but more often than not I would want to finish a book before doing something, like going to bed. So, I started reading mostly on vacations, where time didn’t matter as much. Once I get my head in a book, I become oblivious to the world around me. I finish books in hours where other people take days, weeks. So, this trip seemed perfect- he would be at the conference all day and I had the beach at my disposal to read. I had no idea about the whales.
For anyone who has never had the joy to whale watch, you are missing out. It is your own secret mission you are on. It’s your special game of I spy. But what you are spying is the most beautiful and magical creature that the ocean hides. One wouldn’t think the waves could something that weighs tons, but they can. It’s amazing.
I would sit on that beach all alone everyday and just gaze out at the water waiting for whales to crest with my camera. I would gasp to myself at the beauty of them dancing with each other among the waves. I am sure the others on the beach found my behavior odd, but I was oblivious. I had found what I had been searching for. Whales.
One of those days, I sat there so long and didn’t move, I became pretty badly sunburned on just one side. I had gone out without intent to stay and shockingly, had stayed out. In my earlier years, I had rarely sunburned, but the older I get, the easier I burn. It was also the height of winter, and my alabaster skin was particularly luminous. My husband made fun of me, which I wholeheartedly deserved, sitting in one spot, not moving for more than the 6 hours he was at the conference and getting burned that badly.
It was on that trip, he proposed to me. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I think of the 5 happiest days of my life, he is involved in 4 of them. If I thought of 10, I bet he’s involved in 9. He took me on a sunset walk. We tried to watch sunset together every night. We were together every night at sunset, the conference was long over. I just know that we missed sunset a few nights. We walked down the beach part way and sat on some rocks alone, away from other people. I can’t remember anything he said anymore, but I remember the look in his eyes. I remember the feelings I had. I remember thinking, “He loves me this much. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m the luckiest person on Earth. I don’t know what I did to deserve him,” I was so happy I couldn’t stop smiling ear to ear. He cried. I got tears in my eyes, but I didn’t cry. I’m not a happy crier. We took pictures with the camera timer to commemorate the occasion. He had that picture of us on his nightstand until the end.
We continued down the beach where we saw turtles up on the beach. It wasn’t a normal place for them to come up, but I took it as a good sign. Turtles are thought of a good fortune. I was just over the moon with giddiness. We went to hotel next door for a celebration dinner of our engagement. They brought out a special dessert. We just gazed into each other’s eyes and held onto each other’s hands like nothing in the world mattered.
We know that, to him, everything else in the world matters more than me. Colossally. Whale or not, his happiness is above all else. Marriage or not, he is the only one who deserves to be happy and he will step on everyone else to get it. Those memories are a knife to heart and my brain. Of a life that I desperately miss and want back. That I know doesn’t exist anymore because that man went away once he found the arms of this other woman and started pretending he’s something he’s not. Unless he was pretending all along with me. Moments like those though, how could they have been pretending? And if so, why? Why bring me to the whales? Why show me all these to try and shape my life to make me hate them now?
Never had a white picket fence 